anitos no. 3: supernova encounter

I am running for my life again. My mind tries to will my body forward and faster, but it is as though I am stuck at the bottom of the ocean — weighed down and suspended in darkness. Someone, or something, is pursuing me. At any moment, this entity might catch me. I pry my mouth open to scream, but not even a whisper escapes. The sound is buried deep in my belly. 

I’m hiding in a dark corner now, holding my breath. I can feel the figure’s ominous presence nearby and make out the shadowy silhouette of a gun.

I’m on my feet again. I can feel my pursuer’s eyes on the back of my neck.

Go faster! Faster! Yell louder! Try harder! It takes every muscle within me to move but an inch. I feel like I’m trudging through mud. 

I sense that I have something that the entity wants, but I don’t know what it is. I notice the glimmer of something I am holding in my arms.

~

I woke up tired again. Becoming aware of how my body remained tight and constricted, I exhaled and tried to orient myself to the light behind the curtain, the time, the soft hum of the A/C, my bedsheets. 

I thought about the entity in my dream and was reminded of sessions I’ve had with different spiritual consultants in the past. One alluded to it as a “mischievous spirit” in my life. Another said it had been pursuing me for lifetimes. Into much of my young adulthood, I sensed a vague, dense cloud hanging over me. As a child, I often experienced sleep paralysis and would see a dark figure looming over me. 

How to heed this information in my waking life? I placed my hand on my chest and exhaled again — trying to release a sense of restriction, noticing the inner rupturing that comes and goes. 

~

I’m running again. I hear the delayed echo of my feet hitting the pavement. I can’t see anything in the dark, but the entity is closing in on me. My heart is pounding in my chest. I place a hand over it, trying to steady myself as the figure approaches me. 

Suddenly, I lose a sense of my body, suspended somewhere. I am my mind. I am consciousness. My heart bursts through what was my chest and light radiates out, piercing the darkness. 

For a moment, I catch a glint of the explosion reflected in the entity’s hungry eyes. For a moment, I remember them from somewhere.

‘What do you want from me?’ I telepathically demand. I see a hand grasping and clawing at me, but the brightness cannot be contained.

~

I woke up with the sun in my eyes, forgetting what I dreamed about the night before. I felt a lightness in my chest, despite a vague sense of exhaustion. I placed a hand on my heart and appreciated how uncaged it felt for the first time in a long time.